stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I swung on my swing with Spirit Dove

Going to a therapist is an odd thing when you think about it. You pay someone a butt load of money to listen to you talk and then you walk away at the end of it feeling worse than you did in the beginning. I know that’s an over generalization. I also know sometimes you have to feel bad before you can feel better. It’s just that the online session I had with my therapist today was really rough.

I think I had gotten into a routine when it came to therapy. Granted, I haven’t been going that long. But I think I’ve gotten comfortable knowing what to expect. I just didn’t expect anything that happened today. We were talking and I said something (of course since that’s how therapy and basic communication works). My therapist latched onto those few words and would not let go. She was like a dog with a bone. And even when I stared blank face at her through my computer or when I mustered up the courage to say, “I don’t want to talk about this,” she kept pushing, asking me questions, and she even asked me if not today then when would I be willing to talk about it. By the end, I felt scorched and torn into pieces.

I didn’t cry. Don’t ask me why but I feel very proud of that fact. Several times I wanted to simply turn off my computer and walk away. I didn’t and I’m a little proud of that too. It’s weird because, after feeling like the bottom of my stomach dropped and the urge to be sick passed, this odd numbness fell over me. It felt like being in a bubble where nothing and no one could get in and the world outside of it almost didn’t seem real - if any of that makes sense.

After my session was over, I just sat there in my desk chair for the longest time and stared down at my hands. It felt like I sat like that for only a few minutes. But, when I glanced up at my clock, almost an hour and a half had passed. So, I got up and just kind of wandered around my house. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I couldn’t breathe (even though I was), so I grabbed my outside throw blanket and got cozy on my over-sized porch swing. (I absolutely love my porch swing. It was the first thing I bought when I bought my house. It’s big and has a thick cushion and several pillows on it. And, it’s so comfy I could probably sleep on it on a warm, summer night. Today it’s only in the low 60’s here and it feels like a true fall day - hence my blanket). It was after several deep breaths of the cool, fresh air and a tiny bit of swinging that I started to feel like me again.

I was sitting on my swing when my hippie neighbors across the street pulled out of their driveway. They both waved and gave me the peace sign (something they give to everyone) and all I could muster was a head nod. I feel kind of bad about that since they really are nice people - even though I wish they would stop asking me if I would like to try some of their “glaucoma medicine” whenever we chat. It had to have been only minutes after they left when I saw their little dog run into the front yard while yapping at a leaf that had dared to fall onto the grass.

I’m not sure what kind of dog Spirit Dove (yes, that is actually the dog’s name) is. She’s a tiny thing (almost as small as a Chihuahua but definitely not a Chihuahua), has the curliest white fur, and she barks at everything. Not only does she bark at the normal - people, rabbits, squirrels - but she barks at cars, leaves, wind chimes, and I bet she even barks at the clouds passing over in the sky. Over the years I’ve gotten used to her barking so it doesn’t really bother me. Besides, the only time I really notice it is when I’m outside and I hear her in their fence.

Somehow Spirit Dove must have gotten out of their fence. Not wanting her to get lost, I grabbed some turkey breast deli meat from my fridge and lured her over into my yard. Then I grabbed her and settled back onto my porch swing. She loved the turkey breast (Crap! Now I’m hoping it’s okay for dogs to eat turkey lunch meat. I didn’t think of that before…). And after she finished her snack I told her that even though I probably wasn’t her favorite person since I foiled her escape she was just going to have to chill until her parents got back.

And chill we did. I wrapped myself back up in my blanket and laid down on my side on the swing. I was actually surprised when Spirit Dove did the same in the space next to my chest. Granted, she gave a big, doggy sigh when she settled so she probably wasn’t too happy about it. But I was just happy I didn’t have to chase her around until my neighbors got home. And she didn’t bark at anything when she was with me. Not even once! I’m still amazed about that.

I really enjoyed sharing my swing with that dog. So much so that I was kind of disappointed when my neighbors returned from their trip to the grocery store and I had to return her. My neighbors were so thankful that I kept an eye on her for them that they kept insisting on giving me something for my trouble. They offered some cash and even some of their “glaucoma medicine”. I kept refusing and telling them I didn’t need anything, but they wouldn’t hear it. They were so insistent that they give me something that I ended up walking home with a can of green beans. My neighbor just whipped the can out of one of their shopping bags and said, “Here. Take this!” They were so happy to give me something that I didn’t have the heart to tell them I hate green beans.

This whole thing has me thinking about getting my own dog. I’ve always wanted a dog, but the time just never seemed right. I think getting a pet is a very big deal. Pets are like having kids. They need time, attention, and to be taken care of. I think it’s unfair to a pet to jump into it without thinking about it. Or, in my case, over thinking about it. But it would be nice to have a living and breathing, soft and cuddly thing to love. I don’t know. I might have to do a bit more over thinking about it. Maybe I’ll even check out my area dog pound’s website. Somewhere there has to be a dog that wouldn't mind putting up with my overall weirdness. Hmm... maybe if I stocked up on extra dog treats....

*

PS... I just ran across the street and told my neighbors about the turkey breast I gave to Spirit Dove. They said it was fine, so whew! I knew if I didn't check with them I would worry about it.

**

3:31 p.m. - 2020-09-30

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